The Laws Of The West.

                 We the people, of Tuesday Land, in order to form a more perfect 
                          world, establish these all-seeing, all-knowing, all-annoying--- 

                                                   LAWS OF THE WEST  
                           
                                             We have found these truths to be self-evident.  

1) Everyday is Tuesday.
2) Knowing is half the battle.
3) No, but I like duct tape.
4) I lost Atrioll.
5) Of course it's my camel!
6)I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
7) Sure you can, but, your vision will be impaired.
8) Zede shude, bebe!
9) Green cream!!
10) Hey! Leave my calculator outta this!
11) Yes, but do you have a hossenfeffer?
12) Blood may be thicker than water, but, slabs of concrete are thicker 
 than blood. 
13) Fred, the invisible, mute, cow is watching.
14)It is very.
15) PSSSSSSSSST!!!!
16) People are just God's drug induced hallucinations.
17) Hogjowl!?
18) 100% Hmmm!!
19) Afro-necro-pyro-klepto-nympho-maniacs should stay in the 
   saddle a little longer.
20) Who's in the mirror!?
21) I did not!!
22) He's busy with the chiropractor.
23) I saw a worm?
24) That's another Cosmic force........
25) The submarine who loved me!
26) Bruce is king of Fleaken.
27) Never climb a slippery backstop when a tractor is near.
28) Shana is obsessed with raw chicken.
29) You had that in your bag the whole time, didn't you!?
30) Billy Bob Joe Jim Bailey chews Juicy Fruit.
31) Bladders are a Swedish delicacy.
32) Holy moley, Loretta! Not only is it still there, look what it did
    to the end of my cornwallis!  
33) Jason Pittard's grandfather was hit by the Shamu blimp.
34) Drop the snarglewolf when you carry the one.
35) NO!!!
36) I'm not a dictator, I just have a grumpy face.
37) Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a walrus!
38) Yom Kippur!!!!
39) I have three words for you: ON! LY! ME!
40) I learned not to joke in China.
41) "Join us next week, here, on QUE LASTIMA!
42) The square root of ALL numbers is always equal to the hypotenuse
    of three triangles divided by 24, equaling 42, which is the answer
    to Life, the Universe, and Everything.
43) Buy Polish!
44) Squeeze from the bottom!
45) Shake gently before enjoying.
46) Amundsen successfully took the Norge over the pole.
47) Didn't she write, "The Challenges of the Quarry Worm?"
48) Dunne is over Unger, and Unger is under Dunne.
49) All children should be born by osmosis.
50) Tic-Tacs are armadillo larvae.
51) But, she has the opinion of a wolfrat.
52) It don't mean Pork Bellies!
53) What color was it!?
54) Headache? Try, Damnitall!
55) Stuart, I like you. You're not like the other people here
    at the trailer-park.
56) It is forbidden!!
57) Life shrinks!
58) Everybody has to have a hobby.
59) I think ya mean Intense!
60) When in doubt, remember, corresponding parts of congruent
    triangles are always congruent.
61) I like Ike!
62) Feel my long pulsating finger.
63) Sheep eat men! Sheep eat men!
64) Varesol! .... new shoes!
65) No, you're anti-loquax!
66) LIAR!!
67) Luggajuggatoejam!
68) When speaking into a tube of toothpaste, be sure you have
    your knickers on.
69) No thanks, I'm trying to quit.
70) Mommy, it's my turn with the whip!
71) The Father, the Ghost, and the Holy Moley.
72) The sick and feeble were carried in wagons.
73) If lawyers were alcohol, only outlaws would have attorneys.
74) MEPS!
75) It tastes like Joe!
76) Everything is Joyboy's fault.
77) Spare armadillo, ma'am? Spare armadillo!?
78) Hey! Tea and crumpets!!
79) Newman says, "But, that's beside the point."
80) You'll get over it.


                1991-1995
                Daniel Jones
                Mark Coker
                Matt Flannery
                Jason Pittard
                Jason Jones
                Sean Persinger
                Brian Butts         
         
             

 

A Quick Sampling of Favorite Tweets

Here are 50 tweets I love. There is no particular order.

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

— Rob Fee (@robfee) September 19, 2012

ARE WE GONNA HAVE SEX WITH THAT LADY? No, penis, we dont even know her. THAT LADY!!? She's like twice our age bro. HER?! dude thats a poster
— dan (@Two_Minute_Man) August 30, 2012

Don't shit where you eat. Unless you're a starfish, whose mouth is also its anus. In that case, freak out, little monster.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) March 21, 2011

those assholes at the skatepark laugh at me now, but when i get home and turn on Family Guy, ill be the one laughing

— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) October 5, 2011

if your literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there's the door

— zachary (@ingmarbirdman) April 1, 2012

This has got to be truly the worst person on FB: facebook.com/profile.php?=7…
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) August 26, 1997

like the native americans i eat every part of the pizza
— la petite bort (@important_celeb) January 11, 2012

1. Vodka is made from potatoes. 2. Potatoes are vegetables. 3. Vegetables are good for you. 4. You're welcome!

— caprice crane (@capricecrane) December 29, 2011

I asked my therapist what I should do with my life haha just kidding like I would ask a box of wine a question

— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) November 3, 2012

"time is an artificial construct," i say to my gf as i 'burn the popcorn' and 'ejaculate prematurely' and 'miss her dad's funeral'

— nice_mustard® (@nice_mustard) September 17, 2012

If a sneeze is 1/8 of an orgasm and heroin is 1,000 orgasms, then heroin is 8,000 sneezes. Too bad Coltrane didnt just get Bronchitis. #jazz
— Jon Daly (@jondaly) December 10, 2011

The 80's were tough. Not only did you have to worry about STDs, but you never knew when the rhythm was going to get you.

— AngelComedian (@AngelComedian) July 2, 2011

1)sit in toddler seat of a shopping cart.2)tip over til feet touch the ground.3)stand up. you're now a grocery turtle. no one can stop you

— hell_homer (@hell_homer) July 24, 2012

Just realized Haydn's Violin Concerto no. 4 in G major is totally about sex.
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) April 29, 2011

I can't belive my grand mothers making me take Out the garbage I'm rich fuck this I'm going home I don't need this shit

— 50cent (@50cent) August 26, 2010

GREETINGS MORTAL, YOU MAY ASK ME ONE QUE- "what's the deal with airline food?" GODDAMNIT JERRY HOW DO YOU KEEP FINDING THIS CRYSTAL
— ᴘɪssʀɪғʟᴇ (@pissrifle) August 14, 2012

Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile

— YWIR (@YWIR) April 15, 2012

Be the strange you want to see in the world.

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 18, 2012

And good Jovi to you, sir
— Heavenly Aminal (@MrPhetz) October 12, 2012

the body of christ *eats bread*the blood of christ *drinks wine*the eyes of christ *feels grapes*the brain of christ *pokes spaghetti*th
— LeVar Burzum (@weedhitler) May 12, 2012

great way to win at scrabble with your girlfriend is to play "MARRIAGE" then wink, forcing her to play the pathetically low scoring "NO"

— Michael Raphone, Sr. (@michael_raphone) July 10, 2012

Sorry I’m late I was taking pictures of my cat wearing a scarf.
— Melissa Stetten (@MelissaStetten) November 17, 2012

Way to sort of make it, one star generals.
— Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) January 17, 2012

I'm sick of people screwing up your and you're so I've invented you'r to replace them. I don't need you'r thanks, but you'r welcome anyway.
— Andy Levy (@andylevy) February 16, 2012

To the homeless gent who just wished me a good morning in the 7-11 parking lot: Close, but 8PM is actually more like my early afternoon.
— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) April 26, 2012

rat poison is gluten free.
— Jenny Wade (@jenny_wade) October 18, 2011

cat pushed me down stairs twisted ankle cant walk hearhim coming back please send hel
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) February 4, 2012

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) June 5, 2012

Oh, believe me, I've had it with my bullshit too.
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) May 5, 2012

Call me old fashioned, but Chris Brown should be in prison.

— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) February 26, 2012

Have you ever been to the races and shat your self?
— KhloéKardashianOdom (@KhloeKardashian) February 8, 2012

#ff a frog. where is it going

— mystery moon (@beetjeff) March 30, 2012

I'd like to thank cheese for making vegetables happen.
— Will Phillips (@TheThryll) November 21, 2011

Why are we so excited about landing a spaceship on Mars when we can't even land a spaceship on the poor people in this country?
— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) August 8, 2012

I'm constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are.Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.

— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) September 14, 2011

Don't you hate it when you wake up from a beautiful dream and forget what freeway you're on?
— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) April 25, 2011

Whenever I see a girl with a hot boob, neat buttocks, cut hair, and a face with ALL THE MOVES I always wish I knew how to describe women.
— Eli Terry (@EliTerry) September 19, 2012

Some people like to think of the glass as half empty. I like to think of a bear punching a tiger.
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) December 27, 2011

'hey quit horsing around in there!' yells the father horse. his children halt, existentially troubled. they are horses and know nothing else

— jake_dot (@jake_dot) August 7, 2012

Cannibal emoticon been done yet?:(:o)
— Michael McKean (@MJMcKean) April 18, 2011

45% of marriages never end. They persist in a twilight of depthless insanity and despair, beyond the reach of death, outlasting the stars.

— Sean Tejaratchi (@ShittingtonUK) July 30, 2012

Difficult to make progress on my memoir "So Hungry, Still Single" when I'm starving & alone.
— lauren caltagirone (@MrsRupertPupkin) September 9, 2012

I swear, some days it’s just not even worth strapping on your studded leather codpiece.
— Al Yankovic (@alyankovic) November 26, 2011

How old does someone have to be before you can officially call them an asshole?Please say five.
— Gary Janetti (@GaryJanetti) January 10, 2012

Easiest way to quit smoking is to stop being cool.
— Aaron 2.0 (@MrIceMachine) September 25, 2012

So drunk. Ready to tell everyone I'm Santa Claus and feel like a God.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) December 24, 2011

Volcanoes are mountains that listen to slayer and dont take shit from anybody
— Jeffrey Hadz (@Hadzilla) June 15, 2012

Cam we clone a human and hoe long does it take ?
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 16, 2012

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

— rad milk (@rad_milk) April 16, 2012

I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.

— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) January 1, 2012

The Dodekatheon of Twitter

In Greek myth, there were 12 particular gods presiding over mortal-life. Sure, there were many gods, but, only a few had their own chair, atop Mt. Olympus.

In the Twitterverse, there are thousands of equally important voices. Twitter actually gets choked with so many individual voices.

So, I'm picking a subject: COMEDY!
Well now, within comedy on Twitter, I'm gonna attribute people to the Mt. Olympus Twelve.
In honor of the 2012 Olympic Games, here is my Twitter Comedy Dodekatheon:
1) Zeus: Rob Delaney @robdelaney
2) Hera: Megan Amram @meganamram
3) Poseidon: Alec Sulkin @thesulk
4) Athena: Mary Charlene @IamEnidColeslaw
5) Hephaestus: Kasey Anderson @KaseyAnderson
6) Ares: Jeffrey Hadz @Hadzilla
7) Aphrodite: Caprice Crane @capricecrane
8) Apollo: Eli Braden @EliBraden
9) Dionysus: Clarke Kant @clarkekant
10) Hermes: Rob Fee @robfee
11) Demeter: Lauren Caltagirone @MrsRupertPupkin
12) Artemis: Kelly Oxford @kellyoxford

There! The Twelve Comedic Olympians of Twitter! Read at your own risk.

The Bum-Quote Archive

I hear a lot of random things, while walking around these San Francisco streets. This post will be an ever-growing archive of these absurd statements.

6/23/11 - NOTE: I promise that I'll start adding date/location with future posts.

"Ooh, yeah, Stanford's real nice. It's one of them Ivy League schools, them is."

"Hey, did you get my undies outta here?"

"Fucking pigeons!!! When they get in my shirt, I want to kill them! Bastards!!"

"Well, you know, I just sit here and check out all the hot ass that passes by. Sometimes, I might get a little change, too. It ain't such a bad life."

"I want three!! If I wanted four, I would've asked for something crazy, like two."

"I don't care when Santa was born. I need to eat, today!"

"If you don't give me a quarter, I will!"

"What? I don't... Well, who am I, when carbs storm the masses?"

"I see that! Look, he agrees with me!" (this guy was pointing at a pedestrian crossing sign)

"You're wearing glasses. I can't wear 'em, you see, they make my nose hurt. (starts mumbling)"

"The taxpayers don't know what's going on. They don't know nuthin!"

"... but, he don't share his drugs. He always asking for some change, and he always ignored by the blacks. It happens all over the country..."

"Where's my Wookiee? I can't stand here much longer without my Wookiee!"

"It's like a whore, with armpits hanging everywhere."

"Truth is ¾ lies."

"Yo baba ghanoush ain't shit!"

‎"Not something you'd think, but, that motherfu£#er can bench 300 lbs. Yeah, man, Robin Williams is great." -- 7/4/11- Haight at Clayton

"Yo, listen... sometimes, an easy whore is the only way I can live." -- 7/6/11 - Turk at Larkin

"I'm so economically-minded, I'm dangerous." -- 12/7/11 - Hyde at Golden Gate

--- To be continued, forever(?)...

More Useless, "Art."

"Dissidents"
Oil on Canvas
Daniel Patrick Jones, 2011

"Occupy," explained by Cookie Monster

Yes, there always going to be rich and poor. But we used to live in country where rich owned factory and make 30 times what factory worker make. Now we live in country where rich make money by lying about value of derivative bonds and make 3000 times what factory worker would make if factories hadn't all moved to China.

Capitalism great system. We won Cold War because people behind Iron Curtain look over wall, and see how much more plentiful and delicious cookies are in West, and how we have choice of different bakeries, not just state-owned one. It great system. It got us out of Depression, won WWII, built middle class, built country's infrastructure from highways to Hoover Dam to Oreo factory to electrifying rural South. It system that reward hard work and fair play, and everyone do fair share and everyone benefit. Rich get richer, poor get richer, everyone happy. It great system.

Then after Reagan, Republicans decide to make number one priority destroying that system. Now we have system where richest Americans ones who find ways to game system -- your friends on Wall Street -- and poorest Americans ones who thought working hard would get them American dream, when in fact it get them pink slip when job outsourced to 10-year-old in Mumbai slum. And corporations have more influence over government than people (or monsters).

It not about rich people having more money. It about how they got money. It about how they take opportunity away from rest of us, for sake of having more money. It how they willing to take risks that destroy economy -- knowing full well that what could and would happen -- putting millions out of work, while creating nothing of value, and all the while crowing that they John Galt, creating wealth for everyone.

That what the soul-searching about. When Liberals run country for 30 years following New Deal, American economy double in size, and wages double along with it. That fair. When Conservatives run country for 30 years following Reagan, American economy double again, and wages stay flat. What happen to our share of money? All of it go to richest 1%. That not "there always going to be rich people". That unfair system. That why we upset. That what Occupy Sesame Street about.

(NOTE: I didn't write this.)