On Coffee

Once upon a time, in a hilly land south of the United States, a genius, a hero… nay! the Übermensch, beget his greatest idea:

"I shall pour hot water over these ground-up beans!" exclaimed Juan Valdez.

Not since Sliced Bread has so simple an idea had such global impact. In the thousands of eons that have followed, mankind has worked tirelessly to refine Sir Valdez's technique. The fact that mankind has triumphed is wholly evident. Equally important to preparation, of course, was finding a proper name. Simply put, Hot Dirt Water isn't marketable. Alas, Coffee! A good, strong name; something you'd pay money to hear James Earl Jones say, over and over. From espresso to instant, and everything in between (excluding decaf- whose creation, like a Justin Bieber movie, was daft and unwarranted), humanity has shown that creative spark, which, long ago, forced God to dole out those opposable thumbs.

That's enough history. I'm no, "Professor," and, you know all of this, anyway.

I'm not gonna say that I drink too much coffee. It'd be like complaining that I take-in too much oxygen. Among my main vices, it's the least-outwardly destructive. The alcohol comes with hangovers, and, saying (and doing) stupid things. Also, of course, the poor memory to remember those stupid things. The nicotine comes with a persistent cough, and, everything I own smelling like an ashtray.

Coffee actually has positives. It starts my day. It keeps me active! Coffee gives me the momentum to run errands, which I'll run when I'm not busy shouting at a rock. A jolt o' joe helps me through grocery shopping, though my vision might be too blurred, to know what I just bought. It makes shopping a game, and who doesn't like a game? Currently, I'm stuck with four bags of Snausages, three packs of tampons, and, five issues of the same Self Magazine.

Ha, now what?!? Okay, I didn't say that it was a Fun game...

Another bonus occurs on my walk to work. I'm rarely burdened with walking all the way down to the next intersection. Usually, I'll just climb up, and over, any silly building that tries to get in my way. It helps me avoid that Snails-Pace, that is MUNI.

My love of coffee runs deep. Coffee looks at me and says, "Are you ready to climb Everest?" and, I look it straight in the bean, and say, "Hell yeah!" There simply aren't enough words. I could probably go o..... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..............