I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
— Rob Fee (@robfee) September 19, 2012
ARE WE GONNA HAVE SEX WITH THAT LADY? No, penis, we dont even know her. THAT LADY!!? She's like twice our age bro. HER?! dude thats a poster
— dan (@Two_Minute_Man) August 30, 2012
Don't shit where you eat. Unless you're a starfish, whose mouth is also its anus. In that case, freak out, little monster.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) March 21, 2011
those assholes at the skatepark laugh at me now, but when i get home and turn on Family Guy, ill be the one laughing
— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) October 5, 2011
if your literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there's the door
— zachary (@ingmarbirdman) April 1, 2012
This has got to be truly the worst person on FB: facebook.com/profile.php?=7…
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) August 26, 1997
like the native americans i eat every part of the pizza
— la petite bort (@important_celeb) January 11, 2012
1. Vodka is made from potatoes. 2. Potatoes are vegetables. 3. Vegetables are good for you. 4. You're welcome!
— caprice crane (@capricecrane) December 29, 2011
I asked my therapist what I should do with my life haha just kidding like I would ask a box of wine a question
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) November 3, 2012
"time is an artificial construct," i say to my gf as i 'burn the popcorn' and 'ejaculate prematurely' and 'miss her dad's funeral'
— nice_mustard® (@nice_mustard) September 17, 2012
If a sneeze is 1/8 of an orgasm and heroin is 1,000 orgasms, then heroin is 8,000 sneezes. Too bad Coltrane didnt just get Bronchitis. #jazz
— Jon Daly (@jondaly) December 10, 2011
The 80's were tough. Not only did you have to worry about STDs, but you never knew when the rhythm was going to get you.
— AngelComedian (@AngelComedian) July 2, 2011
1)sit in toddler seat of a shopping cart.2)tip over til feet touch the ground.3)stand up. you're now a grocery turtle. no one can stop you
— hell_homer (@hell_homer) July 24, 2012
Just realized Haydn's Violin Concerto no. 4 in G major is totally about sex.
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) April 29, 2011
I can't belive my grand mothers making me take Out the garbage I'm rich fuck this I'm going home I don't need this shit
— 50cent (@50cent) August 26, 2010
GREETINGS MORTAL, YOU MAY ASK ME ONE QUE- "what's the deal with airline food?" GODDAMNIT JERRY HOW DO YOU KEEP FINDING THIS CRYSTAL
— ᴘɪssʀɪғʟᴇ (@pissrifle) August 14, 2012
Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile
— YWIR (@YWIR) April 15, 2012
Be the strange you want to see in the world.
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 18, 2012
And good Jovi to you, sir
— Heavenly Aminal (@MrPhetz) October 12, 2012
the body of christ *eats bread*the blood of christ *drinks wine*the eyes of christ *feels grapes*the brain of christ *pokes spaghetti*th
— LeVar Burzum (@weedhitler) May 12, 2012
great way to win at scrabble with your girlfriend is to play "MARRIAGE" then wink, forcing her to play the pathetically low scoring "NO"
— Michael Raphone, Sr. (@michael_raphone) July 10, 2012
Sorry I’m late I was taking pictures of my cat wearing a scarf.
— Melissa Stetten (@MelissaStetten) November 17, 2012
Way to sort of make it, one star generals.
— Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) January 17, 2012
I'm sick of people screwing up your and you're so I've invented you'r to replace them. I don't need you'r thanks, but you'r welcome anyway.
— Andy Levy (@andylevy) February 16, 2012
To the homeless gent who just wished me a good morning in the 7-11 parking lot: Close, but 8PM is actually more like my early afternoon.
— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) April 26, 2012
rat poison is gluten free.
— Jenny Wade (@jenny_wade) October 18, 2011
cat pushed me down stairs twisted ankle cant walk hearhim coming back please send hel
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) February 4, 2012
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) June 5, 2012
Oh, believe me, I've had it with my bullshit too.
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) May 5, 2012
Call me old fashioned, but Chris Brown should be in prison.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) February 26, 2012
Have you ever been to the races and shat your self?
— KhloéKardashianOdom (@KhloeKardashian) February 8, 2012
#ff a frog. where is it going
— mystery moon (@beetjeff) March 30, 2012
I'd like to thank cheese for making vegetables happen.
— Will Phillips (@TheThryll) November 21, 2011
Why are we so excited about landing a spaceship on Mars when we can't even land a spaceship on the poor people in this country?
— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) August 8, 2012
I'm constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are.Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) September 14, 2011
Don't you hate it when you wake up from a beautiful dream and forget what freeway you're on?
— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) April 25, 2011
Whenever I see a girl with a hot boob, neat buttocks, cut hair, and a face with ALL THE MOVES I always wish I knew how to describe women.
— Eli Terry (@EliTerry) September 19, 2012
Some people like to think of the glass as half empty. I like to think of a bear punching a tiger.
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) December 27, 2011
'hey quit horsing around in there!' yells the father horse. his children halt, existentially troubled. they are horses and know nothing else
— jake_dot (@jake_dot) August 7, 2012
Cannibal emoticon been done yet?:(:o)
— Michael McKean (@MJMcKean) April 18, 2011
45% of marriages never end. They persist in a twilight of depthless insanity and despair, beyond the reach of death, outlasting the stars.
— Sean Tejaratchi (@ShittingtonUK) July 30, 2012
Difficult to make progress on my memoir "So Hungry, Still Single" when I'm starving & alone.
— lauren caltagirone (@MrsRupertPupkin) September 9, 2012
I swear, some days it’s just not even worth strapping on your studded leather codpiece.
— Al Yankovic (@alyankovic) November 26, 2011
How old does someone have to be before you can officially call them an asshole?Please say five.
— Gary Janetti (@GaryJanetti) January 10, 2012
Easiest way to quit smoking is to stop being cool.
— Aaron 2.0 (@MrIceMachine) September 25, 2012
So drunk. Ready to tell everyone I'm Santa Claus and feel like a God.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) December 24, 2011
Volcanoes are mountains that listen to slayer and dont take shit from anybody
— Jeffrey Hadz (@Hadzilla) June 15, 2012
Cam we clone a human and hoe long does it take ?
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 16, 2012
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
— rad milk (@rad_milk) April 16, 2012
I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) January 1, 2012
